Shop Talk

I have so many things bubbling inside I would love to share in regard to things I am learning about encouragement, love and peace. This week is so much about technicalities that those words just aren't boiling to the top right now. I will wait for those to boil over to share them or it will be forced and maybe not the honest heart of what I would want to communicate. Those things are all going into my journal for meditation later.

This week and next are so filled up with appointments. I will have 10 cancer center appointments in two weeks + 1 day, the last one being my first chemo treatment. That's not including the fact that this is the week I had scheduled all the kids optometrist and dentist appointments. Lots of running. Once I'm through all these tests and classes the cancer center said things should slow down to an almost once a week routine. 

I have my treatment plan in terms of which chemo drugs the oncologist will be using, (ABVD - Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine). She has prescribed a minimum of 4 rounds, waiting on test results to determine a final number. I do not have a clear understanding of when the radiation takes place, but should know answers soon.

The two things on my mind right now are the bone marrow biopsy I enjoyed Tuesday and the haircut I am getting tomorrow. 

Bone marrow biopsy is now officially on my top ten list of things I do not want to ever do again. I don't want to complain and did not do so to the doctor. She asked if I was alright and I gave her a hearty thumbs up. She is saving my life so she gets to poke and prod all she wants, and apparently as deeply as she wants. I remember in the past watching medical dramas with David when they would show doctors dialogue during this procedure and me doing the scrunchy eye, shrugged tight shoulders, tight eyebrows, screechy oooh. That was a right response. It hurt, and it just felt very invasive and vulnerable. I don't know if she has to do that again, but I'm hoping not - I might find it difficult to lay so submissively a second time. I'm hoping that those results as well as the PET scan comes back with clear marrow and organs. More involvement means more treatments. 

I have an appointment tomorrow to have my hair cut short. I feel this prudent for several reasons. Somehow it feels like I'm taking control of that a little bit, I suppose there is some small amount of satisfaction in that feeling. I don't think long stringy hair will trick me into thinking I still have hair. Mostly, I think it will help, especially the younger of my children, by having a transition to bald. A couple of weeks of short might help them feel less shock. Angeline wants to cut her hair short too. I have asked her not to do that unless it is something she feels she just really needs. I love looking at my beautiful girl, I don't think I could bear her beautiful mane sacrificed. While we all have an incredible sense of peace, there is still emotion attached to these real moments that the sickness yields.

A note about my oncologist. Dr P, I will call her. I am very comfortable with her. She instills confidence in all her communication with me. She is as concerned with my comfort as she is with my healing. When I learned I had to stop taking my thyroid medicine I had some panic. That has been my "magic pill" for some time now. I was nervous about the drain of chemo being combined with the strain of a possible thyroid storm. She understood my panic without my explanation and immediately addressed the issues she understood would arise as a result of stopping that medication as well as carefully explaining why she believed it the best course for me. She repeated multiple times her desire to be informed of any discomfort I experience so that she may address it. She was emphatic about this. 

And finally, thoughts about holistic medicine that several are asking us about. We researched it. I intend on using some essential oils and following some dietary guidelines. David and I both believe it's time for the oncologist. I have had great success with herbal remedies over the years and even enjoyed learning and mixing them up and dumping them down my kids throats. I can feel the pressure of this cancer increasing in my chest. I feel the knots growing in number and size. I reached a point that I was coughing more than I was breathing, scratching more than resting. It's time to kill this cancer. The long term statistics for this mainstream medicine are wonderfully positive. It's difficult to transition from not even eating orange cheese (because of the chemicals) to swallowing a whole meal of pills (not to mention the chemo drugs), but I truly believe this is what is going to save my life. Dr P is my new best friend.